I wish I was special
by MarauderCracker
Summary: How do you help someone that doesn't want to be helped? How do you help someone that, even if he wanted to be helped, wouln't ever want your help? Kurtbastian, anorexia
1. 1

"You've got the worst case of Gay Face I've ever seen"

Sebastian says it smirking, like it's a joke, like it's nothing. But it hurts. It really hurts. Kurt can hear that little voice that is always inside him whining, babbling something that pretends to be bitchy but is chocked by the urge to cry. And Kurt feels just like the voice feels, because that's the only way he feels, lately. Just like the voice tells him that he has to feel.

The voice says that Sebastian is hotter, sexier and a lot more interesting than Kurt is. The voice says that Blaine is going to pick Sebastian over voice says that he should be scared. And he is.

But he is pretty good at hiding what the voice does to him. He drops a snarky comeback, he makes Sebastian back up. When Blaine comes to sit with them, he couldn't guess that Kurt is cracking inside. He just smiles to both of them and keeps chatting about Dalton with Sebastian. Like nothing happened. Because nothing is happening.

But that's a lie. When Kurt gets back home, he practically runs to his room. He locks himself in the basement and sits in front of his mirror. He stares at his face. The voice stares at his face.

"He is right. You look like a girl. You are not attractive, nor handsome, not even manly. He is way better than you. Blaine will choose him, and you know it. Everyone would do it. I would do it. You worth nothing. You are nothing."

Kurt just stares at his own face, the face he hates, the face he wishes he could rip off and build all over again; and answers to the voice.

"You are right. Everyone would choose him. I would do it."

.

"Girl face", they say, and Kurt used to wash off those insults as easily as any other. Used to. But now the voice echoes them in his head all the time. It doesn't give him a single minute of rest, not a second of silence. It is always talking.

He has just waken up from the worst dream in weeks, and he can't have a single fucking minute of silence. The voice is always talking, from the moment he opens his eyes to the time he goes to sleep.

"Good morning, Gay Face", it says, in a tone that sound awfully like Sebastian's. It's been days since the last time they met, but the insult still aches, and the voice won't let him forget it.

.

Kurt goes trough his daily skin care routine, does his hair, selects the perfect outfit.

"No matter what you do, your skin will always be too pale, too pink, too girly."

"Ugh, just get used to the idea that every posible haircut looks bad on you."

"I wouldn't use bright colors on that. Black makes you look skinny, darling, don't forget."

Kurt doesn't forget.

.

He only gets a black coffee, without sugar, for breakfast. Dad is at the shop, Carole is at the hospital, Finn is still sleeping. Kurt is alone… Well, almost.

"Coffee isn't good for your skin. It forms bags under your eyes. It makes your teeth yellow."

"Shut up." Kurt says to no one. The kitchen is empty, and he can talk to himself (but the voice is not part of him, it's just in him, isn't it?) without feeling stupid. "Shut the fuck up." He insists, even though it hasn't talked again.

(Kurt can't quit coffee, he feels so tired lately, he feels like he could faint at any minute. And coffee doesn't really have any calories, does it? It may not make you skinnier, but he's sure that it can't make you fatter. He's sure.)

He washes his mug while the voice talks in his head, sounding a lot like Sue Sylvester. Aren't they the same words she used when she was his Cheerio coach? "You've got hips like a pear, baby face."


	2. 2

A nonfat mocha and a table in a corner of the Lima Bean. That's all Kurt needs right now. Well, no. But it has to do. He can not just talk about it with his friends. Not with the girls, not with Blaine. He thought that he could talk about anything with this dad, but he was wrong.

He even considered going to Ms. Pillsbury but, how humilliant it would be to have her lend him a pamflet titled "I've got a voice inside my head that won't shut the fuck up"?

So, when Kurt doesn't feel like being at home, he tells his dad that he's hanging out with Mercedes and goes to the Lima Bean.

Kurt is doodling in the corner of his French notes when someone sits in front of him. Kurt raises his eyes, startled, and finds someone totallyunexpected smirking at him.

"Sebastian, what do you want?" He asks. He is agraid he sounded just as tired as he feels, not as snarky as he pretended.

"Oh, just came to say hi. Hi, Kurt." The guy answers, with a tone so casual Kurt doubts if Sebastian doesn't have amnesia and forgot that they despise each other.

"Hello. Now, if you don't mind, I was trying to stu…" Kurt starts, hoping that he will just leave him alone. Sebastian interrupts him.

"You've been here, alone, like… Ten times in the last two weeks." He states. One raised eyebrow and one cruel grin in his face; it's obvious that the guy is mocking him.

"So?" Kurt doesn't really like where this conversation is going, and neither does the voice. "You are going to give us away, idiot. Stop talking. Go away. Run." It screams inside his head.

"I'm just curious, Kurt. Where are your boyfriend, your friends? Why do you look so sad?"

Kurt looks down at his cup of coffee, feeling his face burning with shame. He doesn't want anyone to know that there is something wrong with him, and neither does the voice. "Don't you dare say a word." It growls, and Kurt suspects (only for a second) that it is as scared as he is. But it's just a moment, a hint of something that he can't comprehend and disappears instantly.

"Oh, I need to announce it to the Guiness, I got to leave you speechless, Hummel. It's a miracle." Sebastian mocks. Kurt is too focused avoiding his gaze to notice that, hidden in the Warbler's eyes, far behind the cruel smirk, Sebastian is a bit interested.

"I…" Kurt hesitates. "Don't talk." Says the voice. "I… I gotta go." Kurt blurts. He picks up his notebook as fast as he can, grabs his bag and leaves before Sebastian can say anything more; leaving half of a non-fat mocha and…

"Hummel, you forgot…" Sebastian turns around to call Kurt on the missing of the little notepad abandoned at the chair in the middle of his and the one Kurt was sitting a minute ago, but the boy is already gone.

The notepad is as big as Sebastian's hand and he saves it easily in his pocket before finishing his coffee in a sip and leaving the Lima Bean.


	3. 3

There's ideas that are harder to grasp than others, there's truths that are almost impossible to get a hold on. You know they are there, just like that answer you know but forgot at the middle of the test. You just know, but it's not enough knowing you're right. You need every word and every silence to be satisfied.

That's what's driving Kurt crazy. He knows that there's something (not exactly and idea but some kind of knowledge, something like a memory) that he should know and he doesn't. The worst part is that every single time he feels like he is just about to reach what he is looking for, the voice starts talking. No. It stars yelling. Louder and louder and Kurt can't even complain about how annoying and stupid it is because the headache creeps up his neck and it hurts him to think.

"Shut up." He whimpers in his head, leaning his forehead against the table of the Lima Bean he is sitting at. He might be holding his coffee cup a little too tight, but he really doesn't care if he spills the coffee. Not right now.

(When you spend a lot of time without eating, having a headache is something expected. But not like this, not this scream that digs to the middle of his brain, not this, shut up, please.)

"Are you ok?" A soft voice asks. Kurt has to get a grip on all of his strength to lift himself from the table and look at…

"Smythe?"

Kurt is too tired to actually try to put an agresive tone to his voice or to tell Sebastian to get away from him. He doesn't complain when the Warbler sits in front of him (but the voice does, it dislikes Sebastian even more than Kurt does.)

"You look paler and a lot gayer than Twilight's sparkling vampire.", the guy coments. Kurt tries really hard to glare at him, but the headache turns almost impossible the simple act of focussing on a single figure.

"Don't…" He starts, almost a whisper. Then, everything goes black.

.

"Kurt? Kurt! Hummel, wake the fuck up!"

Kurt opens his eyes very slowly and blinks a couple times. Why is Sebastian leaning over him? Before he can wonder why is he there, what has just happened, anything, a cup of coffee is shoved in front of his face. "Wha…"

"Take, drink. Yours is awfully cold. When was the last time you ate something?" Sebastian blurts, frowning.

"What?" Kurt is too confused to answer the question . He takes a sip of coffee and has to leave the cup on the table (because everything seems to be a lot heavier lately, and his wrists are skinnier and bonnier every day, so weak).

"Gosh. You fainted, Hummel. And you have the breath of someone that hasn't eat in ages. Gross, by the way.", the Warbler snarks, his eyes as full of arrogance as ever.

The headache is back and yes, Kurt forgot to buy chewing gumm today. Did he faint? Really?

"You are so stupid, Kurt. So weak. You can't forget to cover all the signs, you can't just let the hunger gain over you. You can't let them know." The voice whispers. It sounds angry.

"When was the last time you ate?", Sebastian repeats. Why would he care?, Kurt wonders, but doesn't ask.

"I… I was studying, I forgot.", He lies. It's a silly lie, but the Warbler doesn't call on it.

"I'll drive you home, you can ask someone to come get your car." Sebastian states, getting a grip on Kurt's arm.

"Wait, no. I don't need…", Kurt starts, trying to get off Sebastian's hold.

"Your pride is not worth the life of the poor granny you'd probably kill if you pass out while driving. Don't be more of and idiot than you already are, please."

Kurt sighs, and follows him without arguing.

"Why are you helping me?", is the first thing Kurt says after telling Sebastian his address. They are in Sebastian's red Mercedes (he should have guessed it), already a few streets away from the Lima Bean. Sebastian doesn't get his eyes off the street to answer.

"I'm not helping you. I just really don't want you to run over my grandmother if she goes out for groceries."

Kurt stares at him for a moment, doubting between laughing or simply snorting. "Do you really come to visit you…" He starts asking, grinning. The moment they stop in a red light, Sebastian glares at him and interrupts him.

"Do you think I would drive an hour to this hole full of shit that is Lima to see your pretty face? For fuck's sake, Hummel, you are an idiot sometimes. Did I just say sometimes? You are an idiot."

"You flatter me." Kurt snorts, not looking at Sebastian. His mind is a bit hazy; it's not easy to think when you haven't eaten in a long time. He is trying to picture the Warbler doing something like, maybe, playing chess with her grandmother. It seems so unlikely he actually laughs.

"You are definitely insane." Sebastian huffs, not questioning the cause of his laughter. It takes Kurt a second to calm down. "This is your street, isn't it?"

"Yeah." Kurt agrees as Sebastian turns left. A few moments later, he is pulling over at Kurt's house. Kurt gets out before saying through the window, "thank you for the ride." He tries to insufflate the words with dread, but they sound way too weak.

"It was nothing. Now go and eat something." Sebastian says, before closing completely the window and going. Kurt just watches him go, an alarm in his head ringing "He knows it, he knows it, he knows it."

Kurt doesn't have many friends on Facebook. He's got his privacy settings set in friends, only, and you can't find him with the Search function. He prides himself on being smart, and he knows it would be idiotic to expose himself to cyber bullying. He deals with enough shit in real life to have it on the Internet too.

(When Kurt thinks, he's not as polite and uptight as when he talks. Behind the charade of tidiness he carries almost all the time, he fight and screams and insults, trying to win his fears, his demons. Trying to win the voice.)


	4. 4

Kurt doesn't have many friends on Facebook. New Directions, the friends he made at Dalton, a few relatives. He's subscribed to Lady Gaga and a few more artists he likes, but he's not a big fan of Facebook. He prefers Twitter and Tumblr. In Twitter, he's got two accounts: Kurt Hummel's one, the one with the private settings and from where he talks to his friends; and the anonymous one. GovernmentHooker is his nickname and he says whatever he wants there, as he does in Tumblr. Anonymity gives you freedom.

The thing is that Kurt doesn't have many friends on Facebook, and he doesn't often receive a new friendship request. That's why he's so surprised when there's a little red box besides the two persons in the bar at the top of the screen. He clicks the little number one, feeling curious.

"Why would he…?" He mutters, staring at the image. Sebastian Smythe's name smirks at him. Kurt's first instinct is clicking "Not now". And so he does. (Ten seconds after the request has disappeared he clicks to go to the page of friends. He looks for Sebastian's name and stops over it. The arrow dangles over the button that would mean a definitive denial before clicking the other one. "Accept request."

.

Sebastian doesn't like any of Kurt's statuses or photos, comment anything or send a single message. After a while he stops freaking out and tries to convince himself that Sebastian only added him out of compromise and hasn't looked twice at his profile since.

He doesn't feel like doing anything, so he sets a playlist and leaves the computer playing sad Adam Lambert's ballads. He takes his messeger bag with him to bed, drops between the pillows and starts palming inside his bag, trying to find his notepad without looking. After almost a minute of trying and failing to get a hold in the little notebook, he sits up and empties his entire bag over the bed.

The notepad is not there. Kurt's heart stops for a second.

.

He goes trough Kurt's notepad over and over again. The doodles and the words and the little notes. Numbers. Splotches of ink. Lyrics. An endless number of sketches. And from the last to the first page and then from first to last, and over and over again; Sebastian obsesses with Kurt's notepad. It's a mistery to him, and he needs to solve it.

"You are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins."  
"Kissed me quite insane."  
"Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun, pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood. For nothing now can ever come to any good."  
"Have you ever wanted to disappear?"  
"As I ponder'd in silence, returning upon my poems, considering, lingering long…"

There's a lot more of quotes he recognizes. Poems, dialogues from movies, paragraphs of novels. There's a quote by Nietzche and one from Harry Potter, lyrics from Rent and from Spring Awakening but also from Pocelain and the Tramps and Arctic Monkeys. And dates and numbers and Sebastian gets a bit more worried every time he reads "140 pounds", "120 pounds", "110 by june 15th". He knows this. He knows this and he can't just ignore it. (But he doesn't know how do you do to help someone that doesn't want to be helped, someone that -even if he wanted to be helped- wouldn't want his help.)


	5. 5

"Hey, you," Blaine says in Kurt's ear. He jumps a little in his seat, startled, and takes a deep breath before smiling at his boyfriend, who kisses him in the cheek before sitting across the table.

"Hey, there," is Kurt's faint answer. Blaine puts a cup of coffee and a muffin in front of Kurt and takes a sip of his own drink, tells him that he just came across Wes in the library, that he just remembered that the new season of Grey's Anatomy starts next week, "and I have a math test tomorrow and I really don't understand the subject. Disaster!"

Kurt smiles, comments something here and there, drinks his coffee fast and, while Blaine is not looking, he takes off the cap of the cup and starts breaking the muffin in tiny scrumbles and letting them fall in the remains of cold coffee. He bites it a few times, tiny bites when he knows his boyfriend won't be paying him atention and won't notice. In the matter of a minute the muffin is gone, the cup is covered again and there's only the paper that came with the cupcake to testify that it's been here.

Kurt feels at ease, everything quiet and safe. He knows his friends, knows that they can't see anything, knows how to change the subject of the conversation if they ask too much and hw to distract them if they seem to suspect.

"I just remembered! My parents are out this Friday! You could come over!" Says Blaine, all excited grin and bright eyes. And Kurt loves him, loves him so much. The only thing he can deny him seems to be the most important: truth.

"I promised dad I will have dinner at home, but I'll go after that," he promises. Tomorrow, while the whole family eats breakfast together, he will tell his dad that he's going to eat with Blaine. He will smile and comment here and there, drink his coffee fast, tell Finn that "ok, you can have one of my pancakes," cut the one left in little pieces and, when nobody is watching, pick his plate and cup up and throw the entire pancake in the trash.


	6. 6

Sebastian got early to the Lima Bean, today. The coach didn't allow him to go to the lacrosse practice with a sprained wrist, which annoyed him even though he knows playing will only make the injure worse. So Sebastian is in Lima an hour and a half before of the time he told his grand mother he would be, drinking coffee and seriously considering about burning his laptop. It doesn't respond and if he loses the twenty lines of his essay he finally got to write, someone is going to commit a murder.

He sighs heavily when the arrow moves again, and goes directly to save the changes. "I really need to buy a new one," he mutters to himself as the computer takes almost half a minute to save twenty lines of text. He looks up from the screen, trying to spot the waiter to ask for another coffee, when he sees something much more interesting.

Kurt Hummel enters the café with his boyfriend and his friends, the angry latina, the overweighted sassy black girl, the blond with a mouth too big for a caucasic guy and the blond cheerleader that always looks like she's sleepwalking.

They sit in a table right in the middle of the Lima Bean. Blaine and the latina (Santana? Sebastian remembers her from the sushie debacle) are laughing loudly as the black girl gestures with her hands and makes funny faces. The cheerleader giggles, but doesn't really seem to get the joke; and blond Justin Bieber is looking at Kurt with a concerned frown.  
The boy who really caught Sebastian atention is looking very pale and the smile he wears doesn't reach his eyes. It seems like blondie is about to question him Kurt about it, but Sassy Black tells him something and he gets distracted.

Sebastian's been more than a week (since Kurt passed out on him, actually) wondering why his friends don't notice all the warning signals that flash around the boy. It becomes clear now, watching them interact: they all are loud and obnoxious and always asking for atention, making it easy for Kurt to slip in the back and put on a show that none of them realizes they are attending.

It botters him. The little he knows about Kurt tells him that he's not a person to stay in the back, and the same said the Warblers when they mentioned him. He dresses to offend the eyes and the morals of the entire population of Ohio, he... Wait.

The first time Sebastian saw Kurt, he was wearing light colors, tight clothes and a nose so high in the air it made Sebastian want to slap him. It looked nothing like the loose, black sweater; jeans that surely were meant to be skinny but aren't and closed off posture he carries now. The wide neck of the sweater hangs low enough for Sebastian to see, even from three tables away, that there's almost no skin over Kurt's collarbones.

* * *

_**hey! thank you so much for the reviews and faves and alerts and I'm still flailing like an idiot. I can't promise I'll update in any regular pace, but I do promise that I will finish this. it's unquality and un-beta'd and mostly written during nights of insomnia, so I really really appreciate that you like it. Love you!**_


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